Oscar De La Renta and Suicidal Skunk

Not long ago I swung by a popular donut shop for a cappuccino to go. As I rolled down my window to pay, my nostrils were filled with the most amazing aroma. I whipped my head around startled at the fragrance that was most definitely filling my head.

My granddaughter in tow, I called for her to scoot up, take a whiff, and tell me what I was smelling.

Naturally, her first response was to state the obvious,

"You can't smell Maw Maw."

I assured her I was aware of that, but I was certain some scent was permeating my head, I just had no idea what it was.

The child pulled up, inhaled and said "It smells like coffee and cake, uh...donuts."

I turned my schnoz again to the window that was now closed and waited for the servers return. Once the window was opened, I took in a long deep breath, closed my eyes and concentrated hard, wanting to brand the scent on my memory.

Could this truly be what smelling is?

It was fantastic!

For the majority of you, registering the scent of glazed donuts and freshly brewed java wouldn't be that monumental and would come as no big surprise...what should it smell like....turpentine?

Weeks ago, I wouldn't have known the difference. More precisely, I could not smell anything....at all.

My nose has operated like this for as long as I can recall. I have never able to smell any kind of fragrance, good or bad.

Your question might be: "Can you taste things?"

Yes, as my full body documents, my taster functions very well.

'but' you ask, 'I always thought if you can't smell, you can't taste?'

Yes that is the general consensus, if the difficulty is physically related: If the nose has a deviated septum, polyps, was broken or had physical damage or trauma.

My nose has suffered none of those things. There is no physical reason for the defect.

After extensive examination and testing which include multiple CT's and MRI's, the results are the same: This makes no sense but has been my reality.

It appears God had another plan.

The coffee and baked goods were just the beginning. I now have a running list, I lovely refer to as my "Schnoz Journal".

In order of occurrence I have smelled the following:

Coffee

Baked Goods

Body Powder

Roast Beef

Turpentine

Cigarette smoke

Burning Firewood

Pumpkin Pie

Suicidal Skunk (twice...ew!!)

and most recently Oscar De La Renta perfume.

The perfume was just this weekend, completely marvelous and no, I don't know what flavor it was...I didn't know to ask!

You no doubt noticed a few on that list that emit a pretty wretched scent, but for me they have all been good.

The fact that I could smell their wretchedness was a gift from God.

With each odor taken in, I smile, laugh, do a happy dance and thank God all at once.

I can smell!

I must confess, lately with every fragrance revelation I have paused to ponder.

What kind of scent do I emit?

I have always tried to compensate for my deficiency by scrubbing things that much deeper, using cleaning and fragrance products others taut as the most pleasant, having no working knowledge of this particular sense I've looked to others for direction and clarity in everything I thought mattered.

But how pleasing do I smell...to God that is?

This is one scent that really should matter most to me.

In reading Philippians 4:18 I wonder , does God find my fragrance sweet, acceptable and well pleasing?

Or is it more often like that of turpentine and suicidal skunk?

I must confess, this newly restored sense has awaken me to a greater understanding of my relationship with God.

My Heavenly Father does not know me through my color, gender or denomination but my heart, soul, motives and most importantly...my obedience.

In reading 1 Samuel 15, we find King Saul totally disobeying God's instruction to completely annihilate the Amalekites and all their live stock. When confronted about usurping Gods authority, Saul justified by stating only the best were spared so they might be used as sacrifices to the Lord.

Samuel then reminded Saul that to heed God instruction, obeying Him in all things is infinitely better than sacrifice I Samuel 15: 22 , (a better smelling I suspect)

Obedience has been something I have struggled with a lot through the years. In retrospect I'm bowled over that the Lord has been so generous and allowed me so many do overs, showing such grace and mercy to this remedial child of His.

I don't want to find myself like King Saul, rationalizing that the things I do and people I help are for Gods good and glory-all the while secreting a stench to the highest parts of heaven.

Oh that He would close His eyes at each thought of me and giggle with delight at the fragrant bouquet of my obedience.

Breakin Free!

I've spent the last 4 days in Nawlins being part of the re-taping of Beth Mo ores 'Breaking Free' Bible study.

As I've said before this book and study have had much significance for me personally as I was introduced to the teachings of Beth Moore and this study specifically, just a few short months after my daughter's death.

I have shared some of the details of this journey God led me through that brought me out of bondage, but not necessarily the timing of this re-taping and the friends I've been blessed to share it with. That in mind, here's the rest of the story.

The bare bones of my testimony are that I’ve occupied all manner of pit from birth on. It has taken nearly half a century and supernatural intervention that began

after the death of my youngest child just over 3 years ago before I finally started realizing the truth of my existence.

Through divine manipulation, God brought the radical teachings of Beth Moore into my life. This proved to be a catalyst that drove me deeper into the Word and a relationship with God the likes of which I had never fully known before.

Prior to my Lauren’s home going, I lived and believed myself to be a 'Pity Child of God'. After accepting Christ in my heart as a child of 10, I was passionate to spread the Word. Yet the pit relentlessly drew me back, making sure I knew what I was and where I came from. My upbringing caused me to view my Heavenly Father in a very brutal way.

Unwittingly I felt God was always looking to catch me messing up and just like I knew parents to be…would rightly come down on me with everything He had. Despite these lies I viewed as truths, I attempted to ‘be’ good enough to deserve the love of my Father. Of course with every failure, I knew I was moments from destruction and God yanking me outta here because I was such a poor example of Christianity. HIS children would never fall so far, so hard and as sinfully as I did.

My bias’s to the contrary, God never let me go, never stopped loving me and never gave up on me, never. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness and humbled beyond measure that He loves me like He does. Truly only a God like You!!

After my daughter’s sudden death, I was certain God had ripped her out of here because I had never lived up to what He had planned for my life.

Though I know now it was a lie straight from the pits of hell, I spent some long hard months struggling to make any kind of sense of it all….more often than not just believing I was not good enough to deserve any better. Now it seemed my children would suffer for my wickedness.

Within 8 weeks of Lauren’s death, I was asked to take custody of my 2 year old granddaughter, as her mother (my eldest daughter) was making dangerous life choices.

What was God thinking? How could I be of any possible use to this tiny, precious but shattered toddler? What a pair we made...the both of us…walking wounded. Lord what ARE You thinking?

He knew better of course….doesn’t He always?

Late one morning in the deserts of Arizona, a woman I met that very week mentioned the name Beth Moore , Breaking Free and gave a line or two of her testimony.

Nancy Vandewater, my angel in the desert

In those moments, through her passing comments God flooded my hurting heart with the most amazing sweetness of His true all encompassing love for me.

The hope that I clung to during the most trying days of my life proved more well founded than anything I could ever imagine. My faith…though oh so weak at times, was rewarded beyond anything I could’ve ever imagined!

Did God ever show up with so much fanfare, grace, love, peace and eventually…joy…real Joy!

Did I tell you about the JOY?

Yes, joy truly comes in the morning and most brilliantly after our deepest and darkest of nights!

Due to a series of horrific events that led to our little Grand baby being raised by us, it became very apparent my 2 ½ year old granddaughter had experienced some monumental trauma.

My husband and I found ourselves engulfed in a battle for this little girl’s life, spirit and very soul. This grand little girl was walking in a pit of fear and terror most adults will never know, and she was not even 3 years old.

Having personally reaped huge rewards for believing and praying Gods Word as a result of reading Breaking Free, the Lord led me to surround this toddler of mine with scripture specifically designed to address the devastation the enemy was bent on destroying her with.

I found CD’s of musical Scripture verses with topics on fear, bravery, sadness, anger, love, friendship. These were played everywhere we went day and night, throughout the house, in the car and in her bed; she slept while Gods Word played on.

Baby girl would wake early and sit with her Maw Maw in the dark morning hours. We shared quiet time, prayed, and read devotions loaded with even more scripture. Both of us just immersed ourselves in our Father and His Word!

One evening after reading bedtime stories, saying prayers and playing more scripture set to music, I fell asleep beside my granddaughter. Shortly thereafter this precocious waif began shaking me and calling out that I wake up.

“Maw Maw, wake up, it’s important! Wake up Maw Maw, I’ve got to tell you something….it’s important Maw Maw!” she was so excited.

Once I lifted my head, she grabbed me and began spouting how the monsters were gone, they could not hurt her anymore, God had not given her a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

"Maw Maw, the monsters are gone and can’t hurt me! Maw Maw the monsters can’t hurt me! God did not give me a spirit of fear!”

With the biggest smiles on our faces we hugged, we danced, we laughed, we celebrated and when we finally settled down, we prayed and praised as that little girl drifted off into a most peaceful sleep.

There’s more.

That Sunday, after picking up my granddaughter from her Sunday school class, she and I began looking and discussing the artwork she’d created that day in class. In her pile of lesson sheets and memory verses was a large, bright and beautifully colored painting.

“What is this?” I asked , “ What can you tell me about it?”

“Well, there’s the monsters-right there in that box and they can’t hurt me anymore. And over here’s the cross of Jesus”

“And this? That’s me, and I’m blowing all these bubbles, because I’m so happy”

The monsters are in the large green box, that big green blob next to the Orange 'cross of Jesus' and then there is all the blue bubbles...precious!

I was stunned and ecstatic. Simple profound truths so beautifully made known to this child were embraced, believed and owned by her with total abandon.

Just so you know, the child had never seen the diagrams in my Breaking Free Book and yet that Sunday, she unmistakably illustrated the freedom she was now experiencing by covering God’s truths over the enemy’s lies.

Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

At 3 ½ years of age, my granddaughter broke free!

With You Lord ALL things are possible!

Her life has never been the same!

Almost a year later, my granddaughter asked Jesus to be her Savior and was baptized soon after.

Our little grand girl is 5 years old now. Recently she was in to see her doctor and I had a conference with her teacher as well.

The same doctor, who reluctantly pronounced unavoidable severe psychological damage, could do nothing but praise the amazing condition of this child’s mental and emotional health and overall well being. She was not the same child the Doc knew.

Her teacher -unaware of the child's history, was startled at the news. In both instances these professionals had nothing but high praise for what a normal, loving, caring, well adjusted little girl we had. Both teacher and Doctor kept trying to credit my husband and I with our granddaughter’s incredible state of mind, body and soul. We want no part in that.

We boldly give God all the credit, all the glory and all praise for the miracle in our grandchild’s life.

Were it not for Him, His Word, Grace and Love all hope would be gone and our baby grand would be just another statistic.

This little girl and her Maw Maw are walking testaments of what Gods Love and saving grace can do for any life if we are courageous enough to do the hard thing and face our giants.

Back in May, Lifeway made 300 tickets available for purchase to attend the re-taping of Breaking Free. I was blessed to be able to purchase tickets. I have been even more blessed to be sharing this adventure with 2 very sweet friends of mine,

Jenny Hope Williams and Nancy Vandewater, my desert angel.

I feel like I have come full circle in my journey to break free.

For all of this and oh so much moore, I am so grateful in Georgia.

thoughtful and tender

Don't know about the rest of you, but regarding this bloggin thing...boy, does it give me pause at times.

Reason?

Authenticity.

For whatever reason, what's pecked out on this keyboard better ring true or it's not being posted.

Not for me anyway.

Little or big things, makes no difference...if I type it out, it's gotta be genuine and from my heart.
So right now, at a very late hour when I should be catchin some Z's I am struggling to finish up a post for Heart to Heart.

The struggle?

The average subject matter on this blog ranges from

"Pancake Saturdays" to "Cardboard Testimonies".

That's about as intense as it gets.

Over there?

Much more revealing, thoughtful and tender as discussions are of a very delicate nature.

Again...don't know about ya'll, but when I'm writing about the deeper matters of my journey's, I pretty much travel back in time.

Consequently, the realities of then are as near as the next memory I put to keyboard. Sometimes I feel as though I am one syllable from sliding back into my firmer but more troubled skin of then.

Once there I see, smell, hear, feel and touch everything all over again.

In order to be of any use, this is exactly how it needs to be...honest recollections .

Course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

That said, during the course of avoiding my post, this evening I found a wonderful video I just gotta share.

Very appropriate and here's why.

As I reflect back through the seasons of my life the pain, trials, heartaches and loss I've experienced, one thing has been constant throughout it all.

I never lost my praise...never.

For that, I am most Grateful.

Enjoy!